I guess $24 billion doesn't buy what it used to.

 
Hey, Hollywood people. Yeah, you. You know the web site you put up for your brand-spanking new cool gotta go see movie? Of course you do. I have a little memo about it, specifically for your attention:

There is no need to have new resized and primped pop-up windows jump out at me when I click the ENTER link on your site. If your development crew can't figure out how to make it look good in the dimensions a(n) user's browser already operates at, think about hiring a new crew. I'm available. For cheap.

Also, we are not here to play rat to the minimalist Flash circle-jerk maze you're marketing team claims is exactly what the audience wants. So cut it out.

CC: Any PR site admin

 
So who else knew that Orwell's dire warning in book form (yes, I mean 1984) was actually a template for political brilliance?

I sure as hell didn't.

 
I hate to lower myself to the typical blog begging you see around, but if anyone just happens to be interested in buying me something...

 
Remember fellow Americans that with the Patriot Act, we have nothing to fear from its abuse by our government.

The U.S. is not a totalitarian state.

The year is not 1984.

Nope.

 
Hello, is Blogger there?

 
Before the flood of wistful homages brought on by the passing of Mister Rogers rush through the blogosphere, let us not forget another great American children's show icon: Captain Kangaroo*.

If forced to pick a favorite of the two, I'd go with Bob Keeshan (a.k.a. the Captain). First and foremost, his background goes back a good deal farther into kid's television, as he was actually the original Clarabell. Further points in Bob's favor: I don't think Fred was ever a recipient of domain kindness. Nor am I aware of him ever inadvertently teaching color theory to his viewers.

And with Bob having been a U.S. Marine, I'm quite sure if they'd ever been pitted against each other, Fred would have had his ass handed to him on a plate. That's not to say I believe hand-to-hand combat to be a useful skill for the host of a show aimed at young children. I just thought it important to note.

Beyond all this, for me it really comes down to one very simple comparison: even with all the good and wonderful things he was responsible for, Mister Rogers was just not funny. Captain Kangaroo, on the other hand, was a laugh riot. As a kid, I couldn't think of anything that mattered more. Hard to think of one, now.

* No, he's still alive. Sorry, Trolley.

 
Note to U.S. national terror alert watchers: click.

 
Britney dumped Durst? Man, I...hadn't been paying attention.

 
THIS JUST IN — According to U.S. intelligence reports, Iraq could be planning an attack on the American public through the use of humanoid robots. Senior U.S. officials say they're worried that these robots, or "terminators," have already, or could soon, walk or swim into the United States and be used in an attack, although there is no proof that this has happened, or even if they haven't just made it all up to scare us into war.

Officials claim there is solid intelligence that Iraq has tested different types of terminators, including highly advanced ones which they say are able to alter or 'morph' their appearance into anyone they come into contact with. However, an unnamed anti-American official states this is "all quite ludicrous."

President Bush sort of addressed this new threat, almost making yet another of his cases outlining Iraq's defiance.

"We've also discovered through intelligence that Iraq has a growing fleet of autonomous androids that could be used to fire high-powered weaponry into crowds of women and children at the mall or hiding in anthrax-proof bunkers," Bush is suspected to have said in private to a few close friends. "We're concerned that Iraq is exploring ways of using these terminators for missions targeting the United States."

The president is believed to have noted, however, that sophisticated science fiction systems aren't required for an attack. "All that might be required are a gun and one terrorist or Iraqi intelligence operative to get the job done," he probably said.

[Not going for it? Then how about something slightly less unlikely--ed. Keep your eyes to the sky!]

 
Today marks the start of a new weekly feature on guff:

Poem of the Week

I plan to do it every Monday, and it may or may not last longer than this single entry. So without further ado (what does that phrase mean, exactly?), here is today's

Poem of the Week: Free Verse For the Taking

 
I'm seriously pissed about this upcoming war in Iraq, I mean, really! Can't we all just

*click*

Hey, I can't be pawned off that easily. We need to see evidence that Saddam

*click*

Well, you know, I guess it makes sense...No, I want to know why we're going to invade

*click*

Ahh, how sweet. Never mind what I was going on about, and go check 'em out. They sure are cute.

 

I THINK WE SHOULD START USING BIG FONTS AND CAPS FOR ALL BLOG ENTRIES. DON'T YOU?

 
Hey warbloggers! You must admit that in at least this case it does sort of kind of involve oil. Anyway, I sense a fourth ad. And a fifth. And...