Let me just say that, having previously been required to edit and ready for online consumption legalese docs like the blog*spot terms of service, I appreciate when I come across personalized inserts along the lines of:

"Now[*], this next part seems really damn obvious, but everyone else has it in their TOS's so someone's probably gotten sued for not having it. So: In order to use the Service, you must obtain access to the World Wide Web..."

* From the Blog*Spot terms of service agreement, Section 2. Description of Service.

 
The Typical Weblogger Credo:

"If I link off-site to another blog, it's only in regards to something I can gripe about. If I sprinkle my posts with quotations, it's so I can engage in a vocal attack against their words, the individuals who uttered them, or whatever it is they make reference to. And when I steal other peoples' ideas, it's because they're smarter than me."

 
It's time for my version of the friday five!

1. What the hell is wrong with you?
Hey, there's no reason for that attitude. And I'm certainly not about to answer such a ridiculous question.

2. Seriously; what in God's lint-filled bellybutton is the reason for the lapsed warranty on your brain?
Christ, come on! I thought this was supposed to be thought-provoking and fun. Instead it's nothing more than self-abuse.

3. Do you enjoy self-abuse?
Oh, for crying out loud. Are these questions going to continue on this way? Because if they are I'm not interested in finishing.

4. Have you always been a quitter?
You bastard. Ok, that's enough. I'm not participating in this atrocious little farce any longer. And if you even try to...

5. What is your favorite color?
...What? It's... it's red.

 
And I was just wondering what happens when art, The Sims® and real life interbreed.

 
Though I'll never give up the war, sometimes I must cede a battle to those fighting in the belief you can drink too much coffee.

 
Ay yo whaddup?! I wanna give a shout out to my girl False Sense of Security, as well as to my logical fallacy peeps: Post Hoc, Non Sequitur, Red Herring, and Straw Man. Keep reppin that shyt, Straw Man!

 
Phew. Milk Day coverage has come to an end. I need a drink....

A milk haiku by Ashley Muirheid:

Oasis
Granite granola,
Sharp shards of overbaked oats,
Deliverance? Milk.

Go check out the rest of the milk-related poetry by Ashley and others from last year's Got Milk? Poetry Slam.

(You knew I'd link to that site eventually.)

 
guff. Milk Day. Etc....

Lunch Lady: "Morning!"

Student: "Well, what've you got to drink?"

Lunch Lady: "Well, there's milk; milk; milk; milk; liquid spam; milk..."

 
A priest, a rabbi, and a carton of 2% milk go into a bar...

Tastes great.
Less filling.
It's a glass of milk! What's wrong with you?! It's just milk!!

 
I can write any crap here, and it won't make a bit of difference...

Serial experiments with milk? Or maybe, milk as an experiment that's of a serial nature? Perhaps it's an experiment involving cereal and milk in a bowl? No, that can't be it.

 
Blah blah Milk Day yadda yadda whatever...



Look boys and girls, it's Milkman Dan from Red Meat. He sure is cool. And whiter than whole milk. (make your own Red Meat)

 
guff's Milk Day cov... oh, screw it...

Enough with all the Milk fun. It's time for us to get serious about our futures and head off to university! (Flash player. Plug-in. You know the drill)

 
After pulling Kaf out of the tool shed (surrounded by the remains of thirteen Starbucks Caffè Mocha grandes), Milk Day coverage now continues...



This is just so wrong. Cruel, cruel milk owner. So wrong!

 
guff's *yawn* Milk Day coverage is still on...

Some random Milk facts*:

• Milk is about 87% water.
• Calcium from milk is readily absorbed by the human body.
• Casein, a protein found only in milk, contains all essential amino acids.
• Some medical circles believe casein could be a cause of autism in developing children.
• Breast-fed infants have lower rates of allergies, rashes, diarrhea, and iron deficiency than bottle-fed babies.
• Someone who is lactose intolerant is unable to digest milk sugar (lactose), and can get cramps, gas, or diarrhea from consuming milk.
• Allergy to cow's milk is the most common food allergy in North America.

Milk. It does a body good!®

* Taken from various sources. They're on the Web; find them like I did.

 
Appears he's serious about this Milk Day thing...



Kafkaesquí: "Hey kid, what's with the smug look?"

Kid: "If you really need to know, buttmunch, it's cuz I Got Milk. Good enough answer for you, spew boy?"

Kafkaesquí: "Uh, yeah."

 
And now a little song for our continuing Milk Day coverage...

I am milk
I am red hot kitchen
and I am cool
cool as the deep blue ocean

I am lost
so I am cruel
but I'd be love and sweetness
if I had you

(From "Milk," lyrics by Garbage)

 
Milk Day on guff continues...


Washington, D.C. Mayor Tony Williams thinks chocolate milk is fine and dandy.

 
It's Milk Day here on guff!

Why is today Milk Day? Why didn't I give anyone warning about Milk Day? What the Hell is Milk Day? Oh, just stop with the questions and go grab your glass of milk.

 
I have proof that there is still some comedy to be accomplished in the name of God. Well, not God per se. More Mr. Who I Am. That's almost an Abbott and Costello bit.

 
Interesting idea, but aren't these "road safely officers" concerned that people will stop using seatbelts just so they can take a ride?! I'd certainly be...

Officer: "Do you know why I stopped you?"

Driver: "Sure do, rozzer. Now strap me in'na that thing!"

 
I am the creator of my own prison! Which is fine by me, as I prefer to pick out the curtains.

 
Ain't got no shame
City ain't got no shame
No pity in the big city
No no no

(From "Little Calcutta," lyrics by John Lyon and Steve Skinner)

 
Baby, I am a six-barreled whirling Dervish receiving my marching orders through the communications conduit of synthetic carp. Or so I'm told. And well, guff in guffzilla form is genetically designed for interjacent aid with commanding Darth Vader-like voice and a decent 'shroom.

I couldn't have described it better if I was stoned.

(This 'meme' was brought to my attention by the fish, and Tim Blair.)

 
"What's so fascinating about Lecter is that he is the dark side of every human being. Hannibal makes people face up to their lies and their shadows and the dark side of themselves."

So there's an effete, cannibalistic mass murderer (with a weepy southern accent, no less) in each and every one of us. Feel free to throw a blanket over yourself and stay in bed today. Me? I'm going to look up some old friends.

 
A number of the blogging hyper pundits are pointing to Brad DeLong's September 30 post in which is asked (kinda) what the difference is between the far left and far right by comparing the greater amount of sympathy we, or rather they [being the liberal intelligentsia, I assume] have for the communism of Stalin, et al, over that of Hitler's (though only slightly) nicer, gentler fascism.

If you read down the page there (keep on scrolling!), a commenter was kind enough to provide the score... I mean civilian death toll comparison between the Communist Reds and the Fascist Jackboots: 109 million to just 43 million. So it looks like the Communists will win, and Stalin named MVP. With communism still in possession of the ball and racking up points before the clock runs down, this could turn out to be a major ass whooping. Cheers to the Reds fans.

 
If they ever again make another Home Alone and want me to go see it, this is how it should end.

Oh, by the way: surprise.

 
If guff had titles, this entry's would be:

Ad Sponsored Searches Can Suck In A Good Way

Thanks to one genius search engine referral, I wandered into a bit of unintended comedy. Go and take a look at the current text-ad displayed at the top and right-hand sides of Google's search results page. Go on. I'll wait here.

 
No one believes me when I threaten to have them arrested for their fashion sense. Don't make me do it again.

Also, I suggest everyone avoid taunting the little girl in the hijab and boxing gloves. She'll kick your ass, man.

Finally, one question to a certain guff reader: what are you guys down there in NZ doing while at the symphony? Don't you have blogs for that?

What would I do on an early Monday morning without Ananova? Probably sleep... screw that.

 
"The competition next year is part of a larger scheme to use football as a way for homeless people to integrate into society."

That happens to be one thing I've always felt the homeless were sorely lacking: the fundamentals of soccer*.

And I was avoiding mention of a particular blog*spot neighbor -- only because everyone else has already gone and pointed him out. But it's appropriate enough now, so I give you The Homeless Guy blog. A weblog is one thing I figured the homeless could do without, but Kevin proves otherwise.

* I apologize to the rest of the globe for the vulgarity, but I must carry my fellow US folk along for the ride.

 
Drew provides a graphical re-description of friendship I've never really considered before. But I must say he's right. It doesn't.

Oh, and for some unexplainable reason I found this funny. Maybe because I was just that sort of office guy. Sorry to all my former co-workers. Again.

 
Need a little WD-40 for that hinge? I do have one semi-negative comment to make to Mr. Cole: the sorcerer in the Harry Potter film looks like the Roman god Janus. Not the other way around. Beyond that we're good.

(Originally four-eyed at dayku.)

 
I had a friend who would argue, loudly and often, that a person's knowledge can be deep, or it can be broad, but it can't be both. I finally pointed to Leonardo de Vinci as proof against his point. His reply: "To hell with you!"

It's then that I realized that knowledge can also be pissy.

 
Irony, thy name is... well, it's Irony, strangely enough. A little too straightforward for me.